I was always in love with that first day of Spring.

That gentle breeze that tickles leaves,

The laboured buzz of busy bees.

That morning sun that rises high and pays respects to the elderly oak trees.

He kisses the green in every blade of grass till she blushes and is filled with colour.

The flowers yawn and stretch as they awaken, their petals unshaken, so humble and oblivious to their untrying beauty.

Dawn checks her pitch and prepares to lead a chorus line – ready to sing the day into being.

This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it!

You tend to Your garden, You tend to my needs and

This serpent approaches, he makes me believe him

But God where were You when he lied and deceived me?

You only showed up to cast me out of Eden.

So now I’m alone.

It’s hard to pray when the only voices I hear are my own.

Soul lies dormant within flesh and bone.

While the chemicals in my brain play broken telephone.

Sometimes they get it right, most times they get it wrong.

Sometimes it’s in-between like when you think you know the words to a song.

The taste of Your goodness departs from my lips,

I’d gladly welcome death than to live on like this.

Your word in my hands, like a cold goodbye kiss.

Don’t tell me You love me.

I recount each grain of sand in the hourglass, retracing my steps through time,

Trying to see where I went wrong, what I could have done, for some kind of sign.

I know I’m far from perfect, I’ve earned no right to call you mine.

But if I am to be exiled, at least let me know of my crime.

See, now you’ve got me acting like that jealous ex.

Watching You with all them other believers.

Making them laugh, sending them good morning texts.

Like they’re better lovers, like they’re better pleasers.

What exactly do You see in her that You didn’t see in me?

I worked twice as hard to make You happy.

So now I’m stalking her, right, eavesdropping on Your conversations, memorizing every word.

Maybe You’ll take me back if my prayers sound as good as hers.

‘Cause I just can’t seem to feel You. No, don’t tell me You love me…

Don’t tell me You love me when I’m drowning at sea

Struggling to breathe and to stay afloat.

When I cry out Your name and I find You asleep,

Completely at ease in Your fisherman’s boat.

Don’t tell me You love me when I’m in Your churches.

Bleeding to death, I know I won’t make it.

Singing Your worship and quoting Your verses

Till I’m out of breath. I know that You fake it

When You say You love me.

My ears are ringing with half-hearted “I’ll pray for you”s and “are you okay”s

That are reminiscent of Judas’s kiss.

A kind public gesture from death-soaked lips.

Like a ticking time bomb wrapped in pretty wording.

Does anyone actually care that I’m hurting?

No one can handle this pitiful mess.

You’ll die with regrets if You try to save me

So just let me die in Your stead.

If You are as perfect I was told,

If You are as brave and as loving and bold, then I dare You to love me and mean it.

Because I’ve been wandering these streets for 12 years bleeding.

Your church has often called me unclean so it’s hard for me to get to You,

But, if You could just walk by me, just a little close and I could touch the hem of Your cloak.

Would it stop the pain? I’ll try anything to get to Your garden again.

When You see me sitting at this well all alone, would You ask for a drink or pick up a stone? As I’m dying of thirst, would You let me drink first? Would You dare to sit by a woman like me?

Or if I walked on water in the midst of this storm

Would You meet me half way?

When I notice the waves and I start to go under, can I trust You to save?

When the giant approaches and curses Your name, when he threatens my life, when my family just watches and feels disdain, and I feel so small and this armour I’m wearing is making me fall, will You help me bring this giant down? I’m so afraid. One of these days, he just might kill me; this giant might wear the crown.

Will I find You hanging from a cross, when I am crucified?

When I hear death beat his drum, and I roar my last battle cry?

When they say, “We want Barabbas!” and give him a second chance.

When they look upon me and silently wash their hands.

(Like, why is Your church okay with pardoning sins and murder

Then act like mental illness is something unheard of?)

Do You know the pain of being hoisted up for the world to see,

To watch you bleed? Trying to plead your case, 

when no one can relate, 

when no one’s run your race, 

Yet they’ve all sealed your fate…

I miss that garden more than anything.

I was always in love with that first day of Spring.

This desert dust cakes my eyes, I’m lost and cannot see.

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?!

My cries for help are not acts of treason.

I’m just trying to get back to Eden.

So I’m here to find You, I’ve come to Your room,

But all I see is an empty tomb.

I’m too late – You’re gone, did I chase You away?

But then I hear You call me by name.

You say, “Why do You search for the living among the dead?

I am not Your poison cup, I am Your daily bread.

Eden was beautiful, but you’re whom I loved.

That garden alone was never enough

So I left it when you did, to be by your side.

How could I forsake my future bride?

I literally could not live without you,

So I chose to die…

See, you’re not the first to contemplate suicide.

I felt You touch my cloak that day as I walked by, You bled in silence never uttered a cry, I healed you then, I will heal you again.

I heard your heart cry out by the well, You didn’t have to confess, I knew all of your mess and I knew it well. I heard you then, I will hear you again.

I saw You walk on stormy waves. You had no need to be afraid, I’d never let them sweep you away. I saved you then, I will save you again.

I saw you with your armour on, I know you wear it to look strong. But leave that giant up to me. I beat him then, I will beat him again.

I felt your pain as they crucified you. I was there too. They know not what they do. I forgave them then, I’ll forgive them again.

But on that cross I heard your plea. And all the angels could have swarmed down and saved me, but you’re my priority.

And sometimes you forget but I’ll never regret this love or this death.

And even if you lose your battle, if you can’t win this fight,

I have beat the grave so do not fear its might.

I’ll welcome you home with gladness, introduce you to my Father above.

All will be clear and you will see then you didn’t need Eden to be loved.

All will be clear and you will see then you didn’t need Eden to be loved.”